Its never 'The End'..

Everyone has his/her aspirations & expectations from life. But what I wonder is how many of you have actually seen your dreams get shattered in front of your very eyes. Happens with me all the time. Well, I really won’t buy it if anyone of you say, you have always got what you asked for, that your life is perfect, that you don’t have any regrets in life & so on & so forth. Even those rich spoilt brats out there, who hardly ever dream of anything apart from stuff that money can buy, can’t claim to have had that ideal a life!!
I mean life is apparently not a bed of roses for anyone. That’s one thing I love about ‘Life’. It treats everyone pretty equally, without any biases. Contentment of the size of a pea, & sacks full of frustration!! To make matters even worse, the grass always looks greener on the other side!!

So, coming back to the point I was trying to make, I was actually pondering how well you have accepted those tattered hopes & shattered dreams in times of despair, & moved on with life.

Just for instance, how would you feel, when, since childhood all you ever wanted to do when you grew up was to join the Army & serve the nation. You always knew that was what you were meant for, that was your only dream, u wanted to fill colors to. But then one fine day someone breaks the news to you, that your dream is too unrealistic since you have a flat foot & is not fit enough to be a part of the army! You feel devastated! Should you have gone for a medical check up before beginning to give shape to your dreams? Too late to mend your ways now. You feel as if paralyzed for the rest of your life!

Or, what would you do, when he was the only person you ever loved; dreamt of you with him in all your dreams. You, in your imaginations, have already lived an entire life with him, have thought of every tiny aspect of your future with him, loving him, taking care of him, having kids with him. Only, you haven’t told him so. And then one fine day when you finally muster courage to do so, you get to know he doesn’t feel the same for you; or maybe has someone else in his life! You feel scarred for a lifetime, feel an essential part of you is already dead! You wonder to how many pieces your heart has been broken & how you would still keep loving him with those broken pieces!!

Or for that matter, how would you respond, when while raising your only son, all you could think of was how to get him the best birthday present, send him to the best school in town, get him married to the smartest chick out there…sing lullabies to your grandchild, narrate to the little one anecdotes of how his father would never let your gran’ma heave a sigh of relief when he was a kid! But, the next thing you know is, your son returns from his honeymoon only to realize that you are nothing but an interference in their life now, & that they are sending you to an old age home! You suddenly don’t know what to do with the little life left ahead of you, & you don’t even care! But you make sure you fight back your tears & don’t let your son feel you are weak in any way!

It is then that you get to hear a series of those clichéd lines yet again:
‘Everything will be alright with time...’
‘God chose you because he has other & better plans for you…’
‘This is not the end of life, it only calls for a new beginning…’

What the heck!!
I mean what good could it possibly have meant, when your only ambition of joining the army since childhood is broken in a matter of seconds? Or how could you ever return someone else’s love when you have already given your share to someone else? And for the poor lady, with just a few more days left of her life, what good could really be in store for her, apart from the fact that she would soon leave the world to wave hello to God personally by herself?
Okay so I don’t mean to be sarcastic, but under such circumstances how can anything ever be alright with time again? And when your mind is totally blocked from the shove of your shattered hopes, how could you possibly think of making a new beginning??

To me, all these are nothing but crap! Nothing but ways to console you for sometime, so that you can save your tears for the time when you are alone, & don’t have to bother the one comforting you, with your pleas for a better life. Because at the end of the day, the acrid fact is that life is more about punishments than rewards. Maybe you do forget a few things with time, but it is nearly next to impossible to give up your past failures entirely before making a new start; at least that’s the case for normal people like me. But personally, I also feel, these intricate moments are times which have actually helped me mature over the years, helped me connect to myself on a spiritual level, just when I was about to lose touch!

The bottom line now being, its never ‘The End’ of anything. All your dreams may be tattered & ragged, but life waits & stops for none! So, however hard it might be, its high time we stopped empathizing with ourselves & giving false condolences, & started facing the challenges posed to us. Not that much is in our hand to change things the way it is anyways!!

Life...After Death

I would love to begin this post paying homage to all those who lost their lives in the recent Mumbai attacks (or any of the other recent terrorist attacks, for that matter), & my heartfelt condolences for those near & dear ones of the dead, who are alive, with a glimmer missing in their life somewhere, & still having the courage to move on with life.
Hats off to those NSG commandos who fought with their lives to save a few others!! Kudos to Mumbai to have taken rebirth, more like a phoenix taking rebirth from its own ashes!!

Every time I open the newspaper in the morning these days, I can’t help feeling dejected. I shudder at the very notion of watching the news, lest, there be news of yet another attack in some part of the country, hollowing it from within, eating into the vitals of our nation. Its heartrending, how some people bestow their entire life, to take other’s lives, in the process not even caring if they lost their own or other fellow friends’. Worse still, when its all done in the name of faith for some religion! And miserable still, how politicians & filmmakers & the media use it all to advance their brand names.

I mean, has our communal conflicts overpowered us so much that we can’t see straight with our open eyes how many innocent lives we are taking? How low can we really stoop, so that even if our most piffling wish is not fulfilled, we wouldn’t think twice before picking up a knife & mercilessly slitting someone’s throat??
Indeed, at times I feel, this is not merely a slap on the face of our motherland, but of the entire Humanity. There has to be some fault in the part of the social order, to still nourish such antisocial beings.

What anguishes me most is when I think of the fact, how the entire civilization could have progressed, only if all the energy, the intelligence, the dedication, that is being focused in planning for a mass attack, could have been channeled for the upliftment of the mankind instead!!

As for the rest of the citizens, like me, who today fear stepping out of the house, think twice before enjoying an evening shopping or watching a movie with their loved ones, thinking of their plight often reminds me of those few famous lines by Rabindranath Tagore-

WHERE the mind is without fear and the head is held high
Where knowledge is free.
Where the world has not been broken up into fragments
By narrow domestic walls.
Into that heaven of freedom, my Father, let my country awake!!

Alas!!!

Fantasies...

I wish one night I would go to sleep, only to wake up the next day to find myself blanketed by the warmth of the sunlight, in a seashore may be; just me & no one else around. The little waves would slash against my feet, welcoming me to their emancipating cosmos. The Daffodils standing in a row with panache, would be waving & smiling at me to make my day.

I wouldn’t have to bother about attending another boring lecture, or submitting yet another report, or being nice to someone I least want to face, lest I hurt him/her, or for that matter, getting over a lost love. I wouldn’t have to care if I look good enough to bear a presentable facade in the society.

I would go and sing to the dancing dolphins. I would hop into the water to take a ride on them. I would play around with the squirrels & nibble a nut or two from a tree. I would watch the sparrows fluttering their wings, times & again sitting on my shoulders & whispering a word or two in my ears; perhaps alluring me to get off the ground along with them, to see how the earth looks from the sky, to feel what it takes to be so far from the profanity existing below. Its then that I wish, I could speak their language, or may be have a wing or two to take off & land over the clouds.

The lilies would pull me towards them, coaxing me to recite to them the story of how the debonair Prince came on a galloping white horse & swept the floor off the gorgeous Princess’ feet. The rainbow would beckon me to join him to sprinkle color over the rest. I would shout out at the top of my voice & there would be no one to hush me to silence. Only the flowers, the dolphins, the squirrels & the sparrows to join me in my lunacy.

I so won’t wish that this should stop, but just then the bedside alarm would ring off, welcoming me back to the reality; to wake up & get ready for yet another boring lecture, to prepare for yet another presentation, to veil my weeping heart with that fake smile yet again…


P.S.- With majors over & an entire month of holiday ahead, I agree I had nothing better to do than let my imagination run wild, to get my mind off some other perturbing thoughts. So kindly save your thrashings & abuses till atleast my results are out. ;)

Created to Rule

Okay, so may be you get no freaking idea as to what this post is going to be all about merely by reading the title. Yet, I leave it as such simply to create an interest for the otherwise boring article and make you go through the entire one to find out why I named it so (pardon my barbaric act). It won’t be too much of a lie either, to mention here that I actually couldn’t think of any other apt title, hence the ‘mystery’ created by me. I once again realize (perhaps for the 10th time today), that I possess this utmost ability to keep moving helter-skelter and writing all non-sense for a page or two before pouncing upon the actual point, which I happen to summarize tactfully in a few lines, and which I’m trying to prevent for the first time ever.

So finally coming to the point, this article might be a little too philosophical for some, way too non-sense for others; but to me, it did strike a chord somewhere, which I why I am penning this down in the first place. I marvel, how a few things are so much better and easier written, than preached or said aloud.

The other day while chatting to a dear fellow friend, I became prey to one of his yet another ‘short yet sweet’ philosophical lectures, if I might call it so. The purpose of it directed towards me… well that’s yet another story. Let’s not go into it for the time being, but this is how it went.

It is about human origin. Long time age, God very cleverly, absolving from his own errands created a being called WOMAN- to bear the sole responsibility of the Universe. He made her emotionally intact, nurturing, self-sacrificing, who knew exactly what to do when, and the ability to provide immeasurable love and care to fellow beings. These helped her cope up with her toil. But with time, she began facing problems of her own while solving others’. She had no one to shield her from the negative vibes out there. That is when God felt the necessity to create MAN, as the protector, to look after the needs of the WOMAN. Thus along with this background, the WOMAN by default became the chooser; she was given the right to choose from a herd of Men as to whom she wanted to be her protector.

But the WOMAN was a woman after all !!
She let the MAN share all her rights and allowed him to walk shoulder to shoulder with her. Eventually as time passed, she forgot that she was ‘Created to Rule’. And today the excruciating situation is that the WOMAN is being subdued, tormented and used; so much so, that in some places they are killed in the womb itself, as if it’s a sin to be a WOMAN!

I really didn’t intend to write this stuff as a feminist or anything of that sort. Just wanted to use this as a podium to urge all the WOMEN out there to realize once again that you were born to Rule. So there is no point spending your life in a slumber. You can actually make things happen, make the entire world fall at your feet, only if you wish to do so. Well, may be this won’t even reach the ears of those women whom I specifically want to address, or those who are being tormented the most. But I would do my part all the same.

I don’t know how many readers are going to agree with me on this, nor how many would even be able to take in what I had to say. I only take solace from the fact that atleast now you all know the relevance of the Title of this post, if nothing else. Last but far from least, would like to thank Haldi for his untimely advices n philosophies, which give me a reason to post new articles in my otherwise passive blog every other time :)

To live in your dreams...

Being an avid reader, I read loads of stuff almost everyday; infact anything and everything that I can lay my hands on. I also generally get influenced by too many things that I pass by. But sometimes merely a simple notion or thought can make you pen down an entire article. That’s exactly the reason why I all of a sudden felt the need to write yet another post in my much ‘controversial’ piece of blog.

The other day, I came across a citation by an eminent personality- ‘Reality is a great place to visit, but I would rather live in my dreams’.
Now I don’t even remember where and when I had read it. All I know is that it has left a deep imprint on my mind. Perhaps because somewhere I could totally relate to it, that I myself believe in living within the shell of my own dream world, rather than the astute reality. Its just like one can actually understand the depth of the lyrics of a romantic song only when one has been through the phase of love at some point of time in life.

To me its an euphoric feeling to lay the foundation of your dream world and then build it wisely into a kind of place you would love to spend your life in, but know that the shackles of ‘reality’ would never let you do so. You feel more like an emperor, rather like the Almighty himself, as you are not only the architect to have designed the entire place, but also its owner, and can maneuver it at your own wish, that too within a split second. What’s more… you don’t even have to put in any effort to do so!!
Infact your ‘thoughts’ is perhaps the only thing that can travel faster than light!!! So just let your thoughts drift into the oblivion…sit back in your cushion and relax….

More often than ever, that is exactly what I do… give wings to my imaginations…

… And I find myself sitting by a beach all alone, just me and my solitude… I can see the blue ocean kissing the horizon with its enormity, and some birds, like tiny dots, flying back to their nests through the clear evening sky. I can listen to the whispering of waves as they come gushing towards me and sweep away with them the soft sand from beneath my feet, instilling into the air a tinge of peace, a dash of serenity… Even the cool breeze envelops me with warmth of fulfillment.

Somewhere at a distance, I can hear a few children playing and laughing their way to glory, with not a streak of worry in their pure minds. I wonder for sometime, how long will this smile remain intact on their face, before it gets lost into a chase for a “successful” career or a so called ‘contented’ life, with all the modern gadgets and amenities to fulfill all their physical needs, but nothing at all to fuel their peace of mind.
A few happy couples lying here and there seem to be totally lost into each other, and a few others collecting shells with their arms around each other’s waist.

Its then that I feel a gentle hand on my shoulders. I turn back to see a smiling face, that very face which in reality I see everywhere my eyes take me to; without whom I feel empty from within, with whom I can talk and talk; and yet what I actually intended to say hesitantly remains preserved in my heart forever; somehow the words just refuse to escape my lips in ‘reality’… But in my dreams, I smile back to him and sit with my head on his shoulders, enjoying the beautiful, welcoming evening. I know that I’ll always have this shoulder to lay myself on, and these hands around me to protect me from the shrewdness outside, forever…

I take my eyes around, to find small cliffs and lines of palm trees… a few sand castles made by the playing children…
No honking of car horns, no cell phones ringing, no blue line buses crossing the footpath and killing roadsiders, no terrorists causing terror in civil hospitals, no two political parties fighting over a ruling position, no teen-suicides over a mere seat in an engineering college…

It gives me a kind of solace I have never felt in years and I just devour it with relish…



I know they tag those, who like me, love to live in their delusionary world, away from the reality, as ‘insane’. As the so called ‘sane’ people say- ‘You shut your eyes from reality doesn’t mean reality shuts its eyes from you too!’. But then, if reality is all about chasing money or job in the name of ‘success’, and in the meantime losing not only your values, but also the petty, perhaps more insignificant, yet joyous elements of life, then I find, to live in your dreams is far more worthwhile. After all, don’t these ‘sane’ people also say, that you get to live just one life and should live it to the fullest?

To me living to the fullest is not about to party till you drop, but to take a stroll along the sea shore with your closest one and keep no count of time…
Not to spend thousands of bucks on a holiday trip to Australia, but to sit in a garden nearby and watch the butterflies playing hide and seek with the flowers…
Not to buy costly gifts for that special one in your life to impress her, but to pluck a flower from the roadside and give it to her as a token of your feelings, and let your eyes do the speaking instead of words…

Indeed!! I wish such a world could actually exist parallel to ‘reality’. I wish I could paint the world according to my dreams. Alas! Its just like you can’t worship God and Mammon at the same time!
But then, I also fear, that if all my wishes come true, I would have no imagination to succumb to, in one of those times when I desperately beg to be free from the fetters of reality.

In the end, I hate to acknowledge, but I know I am also one of those ‘sane’ ones, running after materialistic happiness. In this run I have already gained myself a seat in an engineering college, much to my parents’ and teachers’ pride; and may be in a few years would be someone who can be defined as ‘successful’ too. But what I will never know is, in the long run, how many trivial joys of my life I have actually missed…
By the end of my life, I would know for sure how many years I had in my life… yet I am dubious if I would ever know, how much life I had in my years…

Jaane Tu... ya jaane na..

A word of caution before you begin reading this post. This is supposed to be kind of (mind you… ‘kind of’) a movie review. Still, if you haven’t yet seen the movie, and don’t want to lose the thrill of watching it as if watching it for the first time, then I earnestly suggest, kindly stray off from this page. Because being an amateur movie-review writer, I possess this utmost capacity to give away not only the gross stuff, but also the minute details which is perhaps the sole charisma of this movie. I am one of those bunch of jerks, who love to read the ending of a book just after prologue, or for that matter, narrate the ending of a novel first and with greatest fervor, to the person who commits the blunder of asking me how I liked the book I last read… J

Okay, so may be this kind of an introduction, rather warning, is relevant only for a suspense thriller and not as typical love story. Not that the movie at hand, Jaane Tu.. has got any damn element of unpredictability in it. From the beginning to the end it is anything but erratic. Nevertheless, the humor factor appeals to you much more when spontaneous and impulsive. Just for instance, the story begins with the main female protagonist (Genelia as Aditi) all devastated and forlorn because of someone’s death, and the main male protagonist (Imran Khan as Jai) consoling her to his best; only to realize a little later that it was just a pet cat that died. No offence meant here, but I am too insensitive as far as pets go and have never had one either. So I might not be knowing how one feels when a pet dies. Yet, the hue and cry created over the death wasn’t really worth it, which is why it emerged out to be a pretty funny scene. Also I apologize for giving away this bit of detail, but as I said, I love screwing it up for those unfortunate ones who haven’t watched a movie before I have. Not that I don’t give them ample time!!

Anyways coming back to the point, respite all new actors and respite being a typical love story, I don’t know why the movie touched my heart so much. Perhaps, its because of how it has featured every tit-bit of life pretty realistically and to the grass-root level. Some incredible bit of acting by the actors with nothing too overtly flashy or stereotypical. The rich kids weren’t really spoilt brats, neither were the poor kids objects of empathy. Apart from that the best part is, some parts are funny, some emotional, and some totally idiotic; yet the movie is capable of holding your attention throughout without failing even for a speck.

The first half has got songs like every 5-10 minutes. Even then, I never quite got bored seeing the bunch of college friends dancing ecstatically to the tunes of ‘Pappu can’t dance saala’ or Aditi’s friends cajoling her to uplift her mood with ‘Kabhi Kabhi Aditi Zindagi’. Though at times I must say, Genelia gets into your nerves with her untimely giggles or frowns and her ‘sometimes-too-irritating’ dialogue delivery.

What appealed to me most was the character of Imran Khan (Jai) in the movie. A perfect chocolate boy with innocence dripping from his eyes, as far as his looks and acting go. Even otherwise, he has been portrayed as the perfect ‘sweet-neighbourhood-boy’ who believes in non-violence. And yet is a man enough to get his temper rising at appropriate times. Rest of the times, he retains his composure and is busy helping others do so too. Not a macho-man types, rather a flawless gentleman, who takes care of his widowed mother with as much conviction and compassion as he does for his friends. One who can control any ‘going-out-of-hand’ situation with the play of his fingertips. To cut the whole story short, he made me marvel over and over again- “Gosh!! He is the kind of guy any girl could fall for!!” And to add to the warmth of his persona… the innocent pair of dark eyes and the mischievous yet flamboyant smile!

Even the co-actors of this movie are spick and span in terms of featuring the kind of character they were meant to be. While one is more of sissy kinds, the other keeps whining at the least of things, the third one always carries this smile on her face inspite of being a total tubelight. The fourth is the only sensible one of the lot. Reminded me of F.R.I.E.N.D.S to a huge extent. A totally ‘committed-to-each-other’ group.

All in all, the movie is too mushy a love story to handle for the young crowd! Plus a must watch. Won’t be any exaggeration to say that throughout the movie I was either smiling, or laughing, or exclaiming-‘Aww!! How cute!!’ And now apart from applauding the movie, do acknowledge this review too. Cuz I think I have done a pretty decent job writing this; that is if you pardon the initial bit of nuisance. Okay, a little too elongated for a movie-review; but digressing from the main story is one of my genetic virtues. Can’t really do anything to help it!!

In love...Am I??

It’s bizarre, how sometimes just one beckon of a hand, or flash of a smile, or just a gaze of those deep black eyes on you, can steal your heart. Weirder still, how you can grow so fond of someone in a matter of three weeks, while for others even three years might seem to be less. It is then that I wonder… ‘In love…am I??’ Mind and destiny at times would play some such deceiving games with you that you are left totally bewildered- unsure of what it is that you want from life, what it is you want to give in return…

There have been many times when I have felt myself lonely and abandoned even amongst a crowd, merely due to the absence of that special one. There have also been times when with him, I have felt the constant urge to cuddle upto him and get lost into a world of our own- where amidst all the hullabaloo would be nothing but serenity…where no one would be there to filth the purity that prevails…where ‘love’ would be the only language spoken around… Again, the priceless question pops into my mind- ‘In love… Am I??’

Once again, when I grab onto my thoughts and let it wander into oblivion, I can’t help but marvel at the miracles that love plays in one’s life: going to bed with the memories of the day spent with him; waking up with anticipation, with butterflies in the stomach as to what lays in store ahead; blushing at his very mention; singing only his praises to your friends….
Finding excuses to be with him, to talk to him, to guide him when the stubborn child within overpowers his real self, to let him guide you when the stubborn child within you overpowers your mellowness….
To keep a track of even the slightest developments in his life; to wish you could always be there to share his joys and sorrows; to be the first one to applaud him on his achievements and comfort him on his failures….
To restrain the urge to just stare and stare at that genuine, yet vivacious smile when he is chattering away to glory, till his eyes meet yours and you are forced to take them off him; to keep a count of all the nice things he has ever said to you, to do anything and everything merely to grab his attention….
To wish he is also going through the same phase as yours; to wish only if you could muster courage to go up to him and confess your feelings… And lastly to pick up a pen and put down everything in black and white, with the last hope that an article would create the wonders that you yourself couldn’t, of conveying your feelings to him. Because deep down you know you are too timid to say something stupid, and spoil whatever little you have with him now….

Often I have felt like he is the stupidest creature on earth; at the same time as mature and thoughtful as one can ever be. He knows the best of tactics to bring a smile onto my face when I am feeling blue, also how to tackle my sudden mood swings. ‘In love… Am I??’ It becomes inevitable for me to ask myself one third time. A meek voice inside me snaps back, “Look how beautiful life has become for you all of a sudden… Look how lost you are day in and day out in your own thoughts… You still ask if you in love?? Of course you are… You coward… But is there anything you can really do about it??”
I shudder at how my own self mocks me, tempts me to do something dim-witted!! Once again I am torn between two sides of my own self, frantic and desperate that some magical being… may be some angel would descend to earth and guide me out of this bafflement.

Yet, despite this false hope, somewhere in my heart I doubt that perhaps my love is one-sided, that perhaps I am as inconspicuous as a bee to him, that he thinks of someone else the way I think of him, that there isn’t really something I can do about it after all!!
Often when I let myself rock to the tunes of some soft romantic song, all my thoughts zero down to him. But then the apprehension, that the same song might be reminding him of someone else makes me delirious with pain. Nothing hurts like knowing your love doesn’t love you back!

Nevertheless, coming to think of it, how many people in this world actually get their love? Out of millions and zillions of matches, the probability of the person you fantasize as your own, loving you back is simply too meager, or at least so mathematics claims. Look around yourself and you will find hundreds of broken hearts, thousands of futile crushes and ten thousands of betrayals. Everyone is ready with his own story of how he/she lost his/her love. That’s possibly the sole earthly consolation I can ever shoulder to my anguished heart. I know I too have broken several hearts; at times, against my own wish. Fate has its own ways of playing tit-for-tat.

Now, even if this article doesn’t serve its purpose… I know I am timid, but not weak. I will surely get over this with time. Only that I don’t want to… I hope destiny bestows him with the best of everything…
And I also sincerely hope, that none of you would ever choose such a flimsy way of conveying your feelings to your love like I just did. And in worst case if you have to, you’d at least make it a bit more apparent, so that instead of wondering if you are talking of him or some one else, he could confidently take a step forward and ask you out… if of course he wants to after all!!

Expectations hurt...

How many times, I wonder, have any of you felt that you belong to one category of people, just to realize the very next moment that you were totally mistaken, that you don’t even know you own self, leave alone trying to understand others. Happened with me not once, not twice, but scores of times. And yet, I commit the blunder of doing it again and again.
Times and again I have cursed myself for expecting too much from people, those very people whom you thought were genuinely concerned about you. Alas! No one even comes anywhere near to being selfless in this materialistic world. No one even thinks twice to utilize you and throw you at the corner of their mind (if of course even a corner is not too much to ask for).
May be the mantra of life is just to live it to yourself then, without caring much about others, because I don’t think there are many sane people who can give selflessly without expecting atleast a bit in return. But then as goes a popular saying- life is too short to live it just for you. In that case, can anyone help but expect? And when your expectations are crushed, you can’t help but spend the rest of the day sulking and wondering what to do next- if to throw a tantrum or let things just go, if even to continue living life the way you want, or simply turn your face selfishly from those who deserve every bit of your selfishness and arrogance.
Many a times, when I look around to see all smiling faces around me, I can only ponder, why is it just me with a frown on my face? Why does the Almighty always have to do this to me? Or is it that these happy faces around me are hiding something, carrying a veil pretty elegantly over their sorrows. Or maybe I don’t know what to do in my life, that’s why I am always the chosen one. May be I am one utterly confused soul... May be I am not sane after all….!!
But somewhere deep in my heart, I do know that this is what they call life- every bit of which is a challenge. Also that it is these painful moments which have helped me grow mentally over the years. Also, which has brought out the writer from within me. Infact I can’t describe the solace I receive when I pour out my feelings into this diary of mine, which, over the years have never shown even one streak of impatience, instead has helped me cope with the worst of situations.
I only wish I could do without expecting too much from people. And if I have to do so after all, I wouldn’t be so naïve as not to voice them out….because nothing hurts more than carrying a smile on your face when from within the pain is eating you up, like an insect eating up a fruit from within without messing with its lustrous skin. I wish I would not always make a fool of myself everytime in front of those who don’t even give a damn to me. I wish my tears could wash away with itself the pain from my heart and could give a feeling of catharsis….

My first...crush

After my first post, I realized I had gone a bit too much into such grave matters, and yeah, now its high time I handled some light hearted moments of my life too. So here I am, with the description of my first crush, however little I remember of it. It might be relevant to mention here that every now and then, I have been teased by my friends for possessing a weak memory. In other words, what I intend to say is that a major part of this post could be considered imaginary, rather made-up. As to which part is real and which imaginary, I leave it totally on you to judge.
Reverting back from the slight digression, this story is of those days when I was in 6th standard. By the way, I am in 3rd year of college doing my B.Tech now. Now many of you might be wondering, isn’t it a bit too late to remember and scrutinize my first crush now? But relax guys, my intention is not to whine about the scores of futile crushes I have had after the first one. I actually intend to…ahem… well…. lets leave that for the rest of the post to say.
So I was in 6th standard those days, and somehow managed to clear each exam with a decent percentage too, which is why perhaps I was in most of the teacher’s goodbooks. Most of them would ask me to get colored chalks from the store or collect all copies and keep them in the staffroom. Well, now it might sound stupid, but in those days such small gestures of my teachers was more than enough to make me fly in ecstasy. Some of them even went to the extent of asking me to mind the class in their absence. Man!! It would be really difficult to get me down to earth from cloud nine in such times!! Again my intention here is not to boast about my heroic school days; at the same time, I won’t really say I didn’t enjoy all the ‘not-asked-for’ importance I received.
Then one fine day we were told that our Science teacher had resigned and so a new teacher would be teaching us now on. To tell you the truth, my heart gave a wrench at the news, since it was from her that I received most of the irrelevant importance. Yet at the same time was too keen to know how the new science teacher is going to be. And impressing him with my scientific skills now became more of a challenge to me than beating my friends in the spelling test that we had in our English class almost everyday.
Finally it was the long awaited moment. It was just as I was giving a little pep-talk to one of my friends as to how to improve her spelling skills, he entered.
Man O man!!!!! Wasn’t he handsome!!
Those sharp features, those deep blue eyes, that elegant style of walking, the bright white tie over a black shirt….why was he here and not in a Karan Johar movie??
Actually, the tie had left me a little bewildered. I mean what kind of a geek wears a tie to school!!! And that too to teach a bunch of 6th standard students!! But even that could do nothing to subvert my keen interest in him or in impressing him.
As the class started, he gave us a brief introduction to properties of metals and non-metals and gave us a question to solve. Now this was the golden opportunity I was waiting for. I was more than confident that now when I would give him the right answer, he would beam with pride and exclaim, “You are the brightest student I have seen in my life!!”
But lo and behold!!!
This is what he said instead, “Ahem..its an easy question. Anyone sane would solve it faster than you all!!!!!”
Now that was enough for a day! I mean what did he mean by ‘sane’ ?
Do I look that insane at first glance? I could feel the warmth of the blood gushing to my face and my heart sinking as if in some more while it would plunge into one of my lungs! All the irrelevant importance I received till date seemed to be on the verge of extinction! ‘How could he do this to me?’ I kept wondering…
Just in case you are wondering, wasn’t I creating too much of hue and cry to such a trivial matter…well..let me clear my stand. I have always been very obsessive about my emotions & I take care of them as if they are as delicate as a petite butterfly!
So that was my first encounter with someone who eventually became my first crush…or should I call it an infatuation? But whatever be it, I remember those days very clearly when I used to wake up with anticipation and would do anything (no pun intended) to impress him. Alas! No matter what I did, however fast I answered his questions or how many times I wished him ‘goodmorning’ each day, nothing seemed to be actually working. At the most he would flash one of his cutest grins and just walk off. After two entire months, I finally accepted that I was on a wild-goose-chase, that I was craving for something totally out of my reach, which is perhaps what drew me more towards it all.
Today when I think of it, I really don’t think it was even a crush. maybe, I was vulnerable just because I wasn’t really used to not getting what I wanted. Thanks to my teachers. Obviously I am no spoilt brat! Now, I can only hope that this blog doesn’t cross lanes with that first crush of mine, because crush or no crush, I would never want him to know all the stupidities I went through, all for him. And for those who are still patient enough to read this blatant, yet heart-breaking incident of my life, a word of caution: Never ever try to impress your crush after (at the most) a third futile try. The repercussions could be really disastrous!!

Miracles of solitude...

Someone someday asked me, 'Do you like solitude?'. I couldn't answer him in precise terms then, since I myself was a bit perplexed at the sudden thrust of that 'not-prepared-for' question towards me. And frankly, at that point of time I didn't know how to sum up all the thoughts rising and settling down like waves in my mind, into a single 'yes' or 'no'. but the same thrust of the 'not-prepared-for' question has forced me to pen down some of the disturbances clashing with each other in my head, for quite a long time now, in search for an answer & in search for the unfamiliar side of my own self.
Coming to think of it, I know I have had some of my best and most memorable moments spent in solitude, some such moments which have times and again led to some constructive thought-provoking pondering over scores of grave matters, and have also materialized into significant action. On the contrary, at times I have loathed solitude to the point of taking my own life, just to get out of it.
There have been times, when while talking to the people around me, those very people most of whom I love to call my ‘near-and-dear’ ones, I have sensed envy and selfishness being spat on my face. It compelled me to consider a life with strangers much more worthwhile; atleast strangers have the decency to hide their devilish mindset until you disappear from the view. But even that could do nothing to subvert my high expectations from life, because I knew, whenever everyone threw me off their own back when their purpose was fulfilled, I had my loneliness to embrace, I had my dreams to bring a smile onto my face, grabbing which like a log I could always float away into oblivion to celebrate and rejoice those unforgettable moments spent with ‘solitude’. Infact, those were the times I knew for sure, that life never ends on a bad note, that there is always something better to go to, to take shelter in, when the entire world around you refuse to either see your face or show their face to you for that matter. I never shuddered at the notion of facing loneliness then, since my solitude stood beside me like my own shadow, like a timeless friend who is there to hold you in his arms and let you weep silently on his shoulders, to drain away all the pain stacking in your heart since times immemorial.
But, there have also been times, when instead of being by my side, loneliness has scared me away, pushed me from its protected portals to the big bad world. And me too, like all those selfish people who form a part of the materialistic world, without trying to curb my fear, selfishly got rid of my solitude, and accepted those people with elegance, from the clutches of whom I once begged to be free. And then, in desperation to run away from loneliness, as helpless as a wingless bird I became a part of the brutal world, which was now more than obliged to accept me as one of its own kinds. Thinking of it all, the memories of my celebration with loneliness gets blurred.
I am actually utterly amazed to see my own capability of metamorphosing from one phase of my life to another so neatly, at times clutching onto ‘solitude’ as all that I have, and the very next moment letting it go and falling into prey into those stretched arms of the big bad world , hardly feeling like a prey. In some happy moments I have constantly felt the urge to celebrate, not with my solitude, but with those who cornered me every now and then, and often when they did so, solitude was what I came home to. Alas! I am a part of this selfish world after all!!!!
Thus after all the afterthought to the question and a lot of soul searching, ‘solitude’ still remains like an unsolved mystery to me. Looking back in life, I realize its something which you can’t do without, and can’t do with, simultaneously, however impossible that might seem.
But when it comes to me, I think I still rejoice (and always will), those solitary moments with myself, and only myself, letting my imagination run wild in the vastness of my pool of thoughts and dancing to the rhythm of my dreams, a lot more than those few experiences with me selfishly shedding solitude off my skin as if it’s a mere piece of cloth to cover myself from the wraths of cruelty. Lastly, thanks to that ‘someone’ who asked me the question and forced me to do all the soul searching. I feel ecstatic to have tried my hand (however unsuccessfully) at unraveling the unsolved mystery of ‘solitude’.