In love...Am I??

It’s bizarre, how sometimes just one beckon of a hand, or flash of a smile, or just a gaze of those deep black eyes on you, can steal your heart. Weirder still, how you can grow so fond of someone in a matter of three weeks, while for others even three years might seem to be less. It is then that I wonder… ‘In love…am I??’ Mind and destiny at times would play some such deceiving games with you that you are left totally bewildered- unsure of what it is that you want from life, what it is you want to give in return…

There have been many times when I have felt myself lonely and abandoned even amongst a crowd, merely due to the absence of that special one. There have also been times when with him, I have felt the constant urge to cuddle upto him and get lost into a world of our own- where amidst all the hullabaloo would be nothing but serenity…where no one would be there to filth the purity that prevails…where ‘love’ would be the only language spoken around… Again, the priceless question pops into my mind- ‘In love… Am I??’

Once again, when I grab onto my thoughts and let it wander into oblivion, I can’t help but marvel at the miracles that love plays in one’s life: going to bed with the memories of the day spent with him; waking up with anticipation, with butterflies in the stomach as to what lays in store ahead; blushing at his very mention; singing only his praises to your friends….
Finding excuses to be with him, to talk to him, to guide him when the stubborn child within overpowers his real self, to let him guide you when the stubborn child within you overpowers your mellowness….
To keep a track of even the slightest developments in his life; to wish you could always be there to share his joys and sorrows; to be the first one to applaud him on his achievements and comfort him on his failures….
To restrain the urge to just stare and stare at that genuine, yet vivacious smile when he is chattering away to glory, till his eyes meet yours and you are forced to take them off him; to keep a count of all the nice things he has ever said to you, to do anything and everything merely to grab his attention….
To wish he is also going through the same phase as yours; to wish only if you could muster courage to go up to him and confess your feelings… And lastly to pick up a pen and put down everything in black and white, with the last hope that an article would create the wonders that you yourself couldn’t, of conveying your feelings to him. Because deep down you know you are too timid to say something stupid, and spoil whatever little you have with him now….

Often I have felt like he is the stupidest creature on earth; at the same time as mature and thoughtful as one can ever be. He knows the best of tactics to bring a smile onto my face when I am feeling blue, also how to tackle my sudden mood swings. ‘In love… Am I??’ It becomes inevitable for me to ask myself one third time. A meek voice inside me snaps back, “Look how beautiful life has become for you all of a sudden… Look how lost you are day in and day out in your own thoughts… You still ask if you in love?? Of course you are… You coward… But is there anything you can really do about it??”
I shudder at how my own self mocks me, tempts me to do something dim-witted!! Once again I am torn between two sides of my own self, frantic and desperate that some magical being… may be some angel would descend to earth and guide me out of this bafflement.

Yet, despite this false hope, somewhere in my heart I doubt that perhaps my love is one-sided, that perhaps I am as inconspicuous as a bee to him, that he thinks of someone else the way I think of him, that there isn’t really something I can do about it after all!!
Often when I let myself rock to the tunes of some soft romantic song, all my thoughts zero down to him. But then the apprehension, that the same song might be reminding him of someone else makes me delirious with pain. Nothing hurts like knowing your love doesn’t love you back!

Nevertheless, coming to think of it, how many people in this world actually get their love? Out of millions and zillions of matches, the probability of the person you fantasize as your own, loving you back is simply too meager, or at least so mathematics claims. Look around yourself and you will find hundreds of broken hearts, thousands of futile crushes and ten thousands of betrayals. Everyone is ready with his own story of how he/she lost his/her love. That’s possibly the sole earthly consolation I can ever shoulder to my anguished heart. I know I too have broken several hearts; at times, against my own wish. Fate has its own ways of playing tit-for-tat.

Now, even if this article doesn’t serve its purpose… I know I am timid, but not weak. I will surely get over this with time. Only that I don’t want to… I hope destiny bestows him with the best of everything…
And I also sincerely hope, that none of you would ever choose such a flimsy way of conveying your feelings to your love like I just did. And in worst case if you have to, you’d at least make it a bit more apparent, so that instead of wondering if you are talking of him or some one else, he could confidently take a step forward and ask you out… if of course he wants to after all!!