Someone someday asked me, 'Do you like solitude?'. I couldn't answer him in precise terms then, since I myself was a bit perplexed at the sudden thrust of that 'not-prepared-for' question towards me. And frankly, at that point of time I didn't know how to sum up all the thoughts rising and settling down like waves in my mind, into a single 'yes' or 'no'. but the same thrust of the 'not-prepared-for' question has forced me to pen down some of the disturbances clashing with each other in my head, for quite a long time now, in search for an answer & in search for the unfamiliar side of my own self.
Coming to think of it, I know I have had some of my best and most memorable moments spent in solitude, some such moments which have times and again led to some constructive thought-provoking pondering over scores of grave matters, and have also materialized into significant action. On the contrary, at times I have loathed solitude to the point of taking my own life, just to get out of it.
There have been times, when while talking to the people around me, those very people most of whom I love to call my ‘near-and-dear’ ones, I have sensed envy and selfishness being spat on my face. It compelled me to consider a life with strangers much more worthwhile; atleast strangers have the decency to hide their devilish mindset until you disappear from the view. But even that could do nothing to subvert my high expectations from life, because I knew, whenever everyone threw me off their own back when their purpose was fulfilled, I had my loneliness to embrace, I had my dreams to bring a smile onto my face, grabbing which like a log I could always float away into oblivion to celebrate and rejoice those unforgettable moments spent with ‘solitude’. Infact, those were the times I knew for sure, that life never ends on a bad note, that there is always something better to go to, to take shelter in, when the entire world around you refuse to either see your face or show their face to you for that matter. I never shuddered at the notion of facing loneliness then, since my solitude stood beside me like my own shadow, like a timeless friend who is there to hold you in his arms and let you weep silently on his shoulders, to drain away all the pain stacking in your heart since times immemorial.
But, there have also been times, when instead of being by my side, loneliness has scared me away, pushed me from its protected portals to the big bad world. And me too, like all those selfish people who form a part of the materialistic world, without trying to curb my fear, selfishly got rid of my solitude, and accepted those people with elegance, from the clutches of whom I once begged to be free. And then, in desperation to run away from loneliness, as helpless as a wingless bird I became a part of the brutal world, which was now more than obliged to accept me as one of its own kinds. Thinking of it all, the memories of my celebration with loneliness gets blurred.
I am actually utterly amazed to see my own capability of metamorphosing from one phase of my life to another so neatly, at times clutching onto ‘solitude’ as all that I have, and the very next moment letting it go and falling into prey into those stretched arms of the big bad world , hardly feeling like a prey. In some happy moments I have constantly felt the urge to celebrate, not with my solitude, but with those who cornered me every now and then, and often when they did so, solitude was what I came home to. Alas! I am a part of this selfish world after all!!!!
Thus after all the afterthought to the question and a lot of soul searching, ‘solitude’ still remains like an unsolved mystery to me. Looking back in life, I realize its something which you can’t do without, and can’t do with, simultaneously, however impossible that might seem.
But when it comes to me, I think I still rejoice (and always will), those solitary moments with myself, and only myself, letting my imagination run wild in the vastness of my pool of thoughts and dancing to the rhythm of my dreams, a lot more than those few experiences with me selfishly shedding solitude off my skin as if it’s a mere piece of cloth to cover myself from the wraths of cruelty. Lastly, thanks to that ‘someone’ who asked me the question and forced me to do all the soul searching. I feel ecstatic to have tried my hand (however unsuccessfully) at unraveling the unsolved mystery of ‘solitude’.
Coming to think of it, I know I have had some of my best and most memorable moments spent in solitude, some such moments which have times and again led to some constructive thought-provoking pondering over scores of grave matters, and have also materialized into significant action. On the contrary, at times I have loathed solitude to the point of taking my own life, just to get out of it.
There have been times, when while talking to the people around me, those very people most of whom I love to call my ‘near-and-dear’ ones, I have sensed envy and selfishness being spat on my face. It compelled me to consider a life with strangers much more worthwhile; atleast strangers have the decency to hide their devilish mindset until you disappear from the view. But even that could do nothing to subvert my high expectations from life, because I knew, whenever everyone threw me off their own back when their purpose was fulfilled, I had my loneliness to embrace, I had my dreams to bring a smile onto my face, grabbing which like a log I could always float away into oblivion to celebrate and rejoice those unforgettable moments spent with ‘solitude’. Infact, those were the times I knew for sure, that life never ends on a bad note, that there is always something better to go to, to take shelter in, when the entire world around you refuse to either see your face or show their face to you for that matter. I never shuddered at the notion of facing loneliness then, since my solitude stood beside me like my own shadow, like a timeless friend who is there to hold you in his arms and let you weep silently on his shoulders, to drain away all the pain stacking in your heart since times immemorial.
But, there have also been times, when instead of being by my side, loneliness has scared me away, pushed me from its protected portals to the big bad world. And me too, like all those selfish people who form a part of the materialistic world, without trying to curb my fear, selfishly got rid of my solitude, and accepted those people with elegance, from the clutches of whom I once begged to be free. And then, in desperation to run away from loneliness, as helpless as a wingless bird I became a part of the brutal world, which was now more than obliged to accept me as one of its own kinds. Thinking of it all, the memories of my celebration with loneliness gets blurred.
I am actually utterly amazed to see my own capability of metamorphosing from one phase of my life to another so neatly, at times clutching onto ‘solitude’ as all that I have, and the very next moment letting it go and falling into prey into those stretched arms of the big bad world , hardly feeling like a prey. In some happy moments I have constantly felt the urge to celebrate, not with my solitude, but with those who cornered me every now and then, and often when they did so, solitude was what I came home to. Alas! I am a part of this selfish world after all!!!!
Thus after all the afterthought to the question and a lot of soul searching, ‘solitude’ still remains like an unsolved mystery to me. Looking back in life, I realize its something which you can’t do without, and can’t do with, simultaneously, however impossible that might seem.
But when it comes to me, I think I still rejoice (and always will), those solitary moments with myself, and only myself, letting my imagination run wild in the vastness of my pool of thoughts and dancing to the rhythm of my dreams, a lot more than those few experiences with me selfishly shedding solitude off my skin as if it’s a mere piece of cloth to cover myself from the wraths of cruelty. Lastly, thanks to that ‘someone’ who asked me the question and forced me to do all the soul searching. I feel ecstatic to have tried my hand (however unsuccessfully) at unraveling the unsolved mystery of ‘solitude’.
