How many times, I wonder, have any of you felt that you belong to one category of people, just to realize the very next moment that you were totally mistaken, that you don’t even know you own self, leave alone trying to understand others. Happened with me not once, not twice, but scores of times. And yet, I commit the blunder of doing it again and again.
Times and again I have cursed myself for expecting too much from people, those very people whom you thought were genuinely concerned about you. Alas! No one even comes anywhere near to being selfless in this materialistic world. No one even thinks twice to utilize you and throw you at the corner of their mind (if of course even a corner is not too much to ask for).
May be the mantra of life is just to live it to yourself then, without caring much about others, because I don’t think there are many sane people who can give selflessly without expecting atleast a bit in return. But then as goes a popular saying- life is too short to live it just for you. In that case, can anyone help but expect? And when your expectations are crushed, you can’t help but spend the rest of the day sulking and wondering what to do next- if to throw a tantrum or let things just go, if even to continue living life the way you want, or simply turn your face selfishly from those who deserve every bit of your selfishness and arrogance.
Many a times, when I look around to see all smiling faces around me, I can only ponder, why is it just me with a frown on my face? Why does the Almighty always have to do this to me? Or is it that these happy faces around me are hiding something, carrying a veil pretty elegantly over their sorrows. Or maybe I don’t know what to do in my life, that’s why I am always the chosen one. May be I am one utterly confused soul... May be I am not sane after all….!!
But somewhere deep in my heart, I do know that this is what they call life- every bit of which is a challenge. Also that it is these painful moments which have helped me grow mentally over the years. Also, which has brought out the writer from within me. Infact I can’t describe the solace I receive when I pour out my feelings into this diary of mine, which, over the years have never shown even one streak of impatience, instead has helped me cope with the worst of situations.
I only wish I could do without expecting too much from people. And if I have to do so after all, I wouldn’t be so naïve as not to voice them out….because nothing hurts more than carrying a smile on your face when from within the pain is eating you up, like an insect eating up a fruit from within without messing with its lustrous skin. I wish I would not always make a fool of myself everytime in front of those who don’t even give a damn to me. I wish my tears could wash away with itself the pain from my heart and could give a feeling of catharsis….
Monday, June 30, 2008
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
My first...crush
After my first post, I realized I had gone a bit too much into such grave matters, and yeah, now its high time I handled some light hearted moments of my life too. So here I am, with the description of my first crush, however little I remember of it. It might be relevant to mention here that every now and then, I have been teased by my friends for possessing a weak memory. In other words, what I intend to say is that a major part of this post could be considered imaginary, rather made-up. As to which part is real and which imaginary, I leave it totally on you to judge.
Reverting back from the slight digression, this story is of those days when I was in 6th standard. By the way, I am in 3rd year of college doing my B.Tech now. Now many of you might be wondering, isn’t it a bit too late to remember and scrutinize my first crush now? But relax guys, my intention is not to whine about the scores of futile crushes I have had after the first one. I actually intend to…ahem… well…. lets leave that for the rest of the post to say.
So I was in 6th standard those days, and somehow managed to clear each exam with a decent percentage too, which is why perhaps I was in most of the teacher’s goodbooks. Most of them would ask me to get colored chalks from the store or collect all copies and keep them in the staffroom. Well, now it might sound stupid, but in those days such small gestures of my teachers was more than enough to make me fly in ecstasy. Some of them even went to the extent of asking me to mind the class in their absence. Man!! It would be really difficult to get me down to earth from cloud nine in such times!! Again my intention here is not to boast about my heroic school days; at the same time, I won’t really say I didn’t enjoy all the ‘not-asked-for’ importance I received.
Then one fine day we were told that our Science teacher had resigned and so a new teacher would be teaching us now on. To tell you the truth, my heart gave a wrench at the news, since it was from her that I received most of the irrelevant importance. Yet at the same time was too keen to know how the new science teacher is going to be. And impressing him with my scientific skills now became more of a challenge to me than beating my friends in the spelling test that we had in our English class almost everyday.
Finally it was the long awaited moment. It was just as I was giving a little pep-talk to one of my friends as to how to improve her spelling skills, he entered.
Man O man!!!!! Wasn’t he handsome!!
Those sharp features, those deep blue eyes, that elegant style of walking, the bright white tie over a black shirt….why was he here and not in a Karan Johar movie??
Actually, the tie had left me a little bewildered. I mean what kind of a geek wears a tie to school!!! And that too to teach a bunch of 6th standard students!! But even that could do nothing to subvert my keen interest in him or in impressing him.
As the class started, he gave us a brief introduction to properties of metals and non-metals and gave us a question to solve. Now this was the golden opportunity I was waiting for. I was more than confident that now when I would give him the right answer, he would beam with pride and exclaim, “You are the brightest student I have seen in my life!!”
But lo and behold!!!
This is what he said instead, “Ahem..its an easy question. Anyone sane would solve it faster than you all!!!!!”
Now that was enough for a day! I mean what did he mean by ‘sane’ ?
Do I look that insane at first glance? I could feel the warmth of the blood gushing to my face and my heart sinking as if in some more while it would plunge into one of my lungs! All the irrelevant importance I received till date seemed to be on the verge of extinction! ‘How could he do this to me?’ I kept wondering…
Just in case you are wondering, wasn’t I creating too much of hue and cry to such a trivial matter…well..let me clear my stand. I have always been very obsessive about my emotions & I take care of them as if they are as delicate as a petite butterfly!
So that was my first encounter with someone who eventually became my first crush…or should I call it an infatuation? But whatever be it, I remember those days very clearly when I used to wake up with anticipation and would do anything (no pun intended) to impress him. Alas! No matter what I did, however fast I answered his questions or how many times I wished him ‘goodmorning’ each day, nothing seemed to be actually working. At the most he would flash one of his cutest grins and just walk off. After two entire months, I finally accepted that I was on a wild-goose-chase, that I was craving for something totally out of my reach, which is perhaps what drew me more towards it all.
Today when I think of it, I really don’t think it was even a crush. maybe, I was vulnerable just because I wasn’t really used to not getting what I wanted. Thanks to my teachers. Obviously I am no spoilt brat! Now, I can only hope that this blog doesn’t cross lanes with that first crush of mine, because crush or no crush, I would never want him to know all the stupidities I went through, all for him. And for those who are still patient enough to read this blatant, yet heart-breaking incident of my life, a word of caution: Never ever try to impress your crush after (at the most) a third futile try. The repercussions could be really disastrous!!
Reverting back from the slight digression, this story is of those days when I was in 6th standard. By the way, I am in 3rd year of college doing my B.Tech now. Now many of you might be wondering, isn’t it a bit too late to remember and scrutinize my first crush now? But relax guys, my intention is not to whine about the scores of futile crushes I have had after the first one. I actually intend to…ahem… well…. lets leave that for the rest of the post to say.
So I was in 6th standard those days, and somehow managed to clear each exam with a decent percentage too, which is why perhaps I was in most of the teacher’s goodbooks. Most of them would ask me to get colored chalks from the store or collect all copies and keep them in the staffroom. Well, now it might sound stupid, but in those days such small gestures of my teachers was more than enough to make me fly in ecstasy. Some of them even went to the extent of asking me to mind the class in their absence. Man!! It would be really difficult to get me down to earth from cloud nine in such times!! Again my intention here is not to boast about my heroic school days; at the same time, I won’t really say I didn’t enjoy all the ‘not-asked-for’ importance I received.
Then one fine day we were told that our Science teacher had resigned and so a new teacher would be teaching us now on. To tell you the truth, my heart gave a wrench at the news, since it was from her that I received most of the irrelevant importance. Yet at the same time was too keen to know how the new science teacher is going to be. And impressing him with my scientific skills now became more of a challenge to me than beating my friends in the spelling test that we had in our English class almost everyday.
Finally it was the long awaited moment. It was just as I was giving a little pep-talk to one of my friends as to how to improve her spelling skills, he entered.
Man O man!!!!! Wasn’t he handsome!!
Those sharp features, those deep blue eyes, that elegant style of walking, the bright white tie over a black shirt….why was he here and not in a Karan Johar movie??
Actually, the tie had left me a little bewildered. I mean what kind of a geek wears a tie to school!!! And that too to teach a bunch of 6th standard students!! But even that could do nothing to subvert my keen interest in him or in impressing him.
As the class started, he gave us a brief introduction to properties of metals and non-metals and gave us a question to solve. Now this was the golden opportunity I was waiting for. I was more than confident that now when I would give him the right answer, he would beam with pride and exclaim, “You are the brightest student I have seen in my life!!”
But lo and behold!!!
This is what he said instead, “Ahem..its an easy question. Anyone sane would solve it faster than you all!!!!!”
Now that was enough for a day! I mean what did he mean by ‘sane’ ?
Do I look that insane at first glance? I could feel the warmth of the blood gushing to my face and my heart sinking as if in some more while it would plunge into one of my lungs! All the irrelevant importance I received till date seemed to be on the verge of extinction! ‘How could he do this to me?’ I kept wondering…
Just in case you are wondering, wasn’t I creating too much of hue and cry to such a trivial matter…well..let me clear my stand. I have always been very obsessive about my emotions & I take care of them as if they are as delicate as a petite butterfly!
So that was my first encounter with someone who eventually became my first crush…or should I call it an infatuation? But whatever be it, I remember those days very clearly when I used to wake up with anticipation and would do anything (no pun intended) to impress him. Alas! No matter what I did, however fast I answered his questions or how many times I wished him ‘goodmorning’ each day, nothing seemed to be actually working. At the most he would flash one of his cutest grins and just walk off. After two entire months, I finally accepted that I was on a wild-goose-chase, that I was craving for something totally out of my reach, which is perhaps what drew me more towards it all.
Today when I think of it, I really don’t think it was even a crush. maybe, I was vulnerable just because I wasn’t really used to not getting what I wanted. Thanks to my teachers. Obviously I am no spoilt brat! Now, I can only hope that this blog doesn’t cross lanes with that first crush of mine, because crush or no crush, I would never want him to know all the stupidities I went through, all for him. And for those who are still patient enough to read this blatant, yet heart-breaking incident of my life, a word of caution: Never ever try to impress your crush after (at the most) a third futile try. The repercussions could be really disastrous!!
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